


with you i'm a beautiful mess

by midoesthewritingthing



Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Developing Relationship, Dialogue Heavy, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, is this a bit ooc? i don't know, oh wow look who's writing instead of sleeping again, there's a brief panic attack but it's not too graphically described
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24761770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoesthewritingthing/pseuds/midoesthewritingthing
Summary: Five times Payton had a conversation with River, and one time he couldn't.
Relationships: River Barkley/Payton Hobart, mentioned payton/alice and river/astrid
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	with you i'm a beautiful mess

**Author's Note:**

> i was gonna write fluff and ended up making myself sad instead why am i like this

_one_

"I don't get it", Payton says. River looks at him questioningly but doesn't say anything, so he continues. "You. Us. I don't get it. How do you make me feel like this?"

"Do you have to get it?" River replies. "Do you need to?"

"Don't answer my question with another question", Payton huffs. The other boy chuckles softly.

"My bad", he apologizes. He still doesn't answer the question.

_two_

"Do you believe in destiny?" River asks when they are lying next to each other after sleeping together for the first time. Payton licks his lips, trying to settle for an answer.

"I... That depends on how you define destiny, I suppose", he finally answers after a few moments of silence. "I wholeheartedly believe my dream is my destiny, but I think it is that way because I chose to follow through on it. Like, destiny exists but you can chose if you want to follow it or not."

"I see", River replies thoughtfully.

"What about you?" Payton looks at the other boy. "Do you believe in destiny?"

"I want to", Rivers replies with a smile that looks almost sentimental. "I really want to."

_three_

"I wish I knew more about you", River says.

"Like what?" Payton asks after a moment of silence. The other boy shrugs.

"The little things", he replies. "Your favorite color. The best book you've ever read. What you dreamt about last night. Things like that."

"Why?" The only answer he gets is another shrug, then River moves forward to kiss him softly.

"I just want to know you", he whispers when they part, and Payton feels something warm spark in his chest.

_four_

"I really don't understand what you see in Astrid." Payton knows it's a stupid thing to bring up, but he's tired and today has been a bad day.

"I don't expect you to", River replies calmly. "But I don't really see the appeal in Alice, you know."

"Of course you don't", Payton snaps, although he is well aware River is just proving a point. "She is way too good for both of us."

_five_

"Breathe", River mumbles, pressing their foreheads together.

"I can't", Payton gasps.

"Yes you can. Hey, look at me, try to breathe like I do."

"I..." Payton closes his eyes, and does his best to focus on the way River is breathing and rubbing small circles onto his back. It takes a little while, but his breathing gradually begins to return to normal. He opens his eyes and pulls back a little, so their foreheads no longer touch.

"Better?" River asks softly when their eyes meet.

"Better", Payton whispers hoarsely.

_six_

Payton can't sleep. He tosses and turns, unable to close his eyes because as soon as he does he sees River. River speaking to him, River touching his face, River pulling out the gun and-

He finds himself in the bathroom. He washes his hands with scalding hot water, scrubs them until it hurts. He still can't make the feeling of blood go away. He washes his hands again.

He looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes look empty. _"He did this because of you",_ Astrid said before.

Maybe she was right.

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh yeah hope you liked it


End file.
